- Alfred Enoch in Coriolanus (2013)

Anyone else reminded of the chickens from the Petterson & Findus books?

Advent post

I'm sorry, I haven't been blogging for a month! I've been busy and procrastinating, of course ;) I've had a very nice start into December and I am embracing Christmas with open arms. I bought the first Christmas cards and even presents last week (well done, me)and I am constantly , CONSTANTLY listening to Christmas songs (my flatmates must hate me by now...).
Final term essays are also coming along and making me anxious, but let's not focus on that.
Because it's CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

I'm quite anxious about a couple of things coming up this and next week. I've got a job interview and two other things that I have to go to for the first time. I'm already nervous and it doesn't help that none of my friends are here. I miss my best friend and just emailing her isn't the same as talking. I find it hard making new friends at this new place and I'm quite lonely these days. I have to deal with all my troubles on my own. I don't want to tell my parents how hard I find it to settle in because I don't want them to worry and I don't want to appear ungrateful. I just wish I had someone I could ring any time and they could come over and help me.

'Reclaim the Night' march 2014

I joined the 'Reclaim the Night' march last night, which was held in order to protest for safer streets at night for women. We marched for about an hour through the city and then we heard some amazing speakers talking about several charity organisations that support victims of sexual abuse and rape. It was an amazing experience to march with all those passionate people shouting chants and holding up banners with really inspiring, funny, creative and sometimes sadly true demands and statements.

art and coffee

I spent some lovely days exploring the city and enjoying the pre-Christmas atmsophere that's slowly starting to spread all over town. I went for a walk last night just after sunset and I saw a beautiful full moon.
I also went to one of the museums and I took pictures of the paintings I loved the most:

I also loved the foam on my coffee this afternoon with the girls. It shows a swan and either a second swan or somekind of heart. Absolutely beautiful!

first impressions: November

November starts with bright sunshine and a warm wind. Crazy weather. The people in the library stare out of the windows, longing to be outside. Focusing is hard. I listen to classical music and sip my coffee while bright coloured leaves sweep by, bravely trying to look autumnal.
I'm tired but can not sleep so I walk around in a haze. Between my books there are small pumpkins on my shelf and I am reminded of reading the Harry Potter books in autumn as a child and I feel the same longing of being invited to Hogwarts for Halloween.

My miserable phase continues. I'm sorry if all I do on this blog is complain, but I really don't feel well at the moment and the panick attacks are getting worse :/ At least I'm seeing some friends tonight, so I don't spend another 12 hours on the internet...

tears, sweets and Dan and Phil

I had a very bad couple of days. I was on my own for too long, I was on the Internet for too long, I ate tons of sweets, I drank litres of coffee.
I don't even know why I felt so miserable. Well, no, that's not true. There was a reason or two, but the actual bad thing was that I just started to panic and to freak out instead of approaching the problem logically and calmly.
I couldn't really tell anyone either, so I just started brooding and panicking more and more. I finally ended up at home, closing my front door and bursting into tears. I cried for a couple of eternities, but I felt better afterwards.

To forget all of the terrible things I watched a lot of cute/beautiful/talented YouTubers (aka Amazingphil and Danisnotonfire), ate more sweets and refused to do anything productive.

Things I really am desperate for at the moment:
- fairy lights
- a boyfriend
- healthy food I don't have to cook myself
- my best friend
- sunshine
- a haircut
- my favourite books

Did I mention that I moved house the last month? Not only house, but country!!! Yes, I moved to another country and so far I love it! It's exciting and funny and stressful and a thousand other things.
Not so exciting is the fact that I caught a cold and I feel sooooo poorly I could sleep for days on end. My head is basically exploding...

But I had a lovely lunch with a friend yesterday and spent the rest of the day marvelling at the beautiful golden autumn that's happening right now.

- Children looking at Modern art

my amorous adventure...or was it?

I can't believe I'm still upset about what happened two weeks ago. So, me and my friend were out on a Friday night and we were searching for this place she really liked going to and suddenly there is this guy tapping me on the shoulder and saying: "Sorry to stop you, but I just wanted to say that you look absolutely stunning." He was from ENGLAND and I just couldn't believe to have met a very cute ENGLISH guy who is polite and nice and who fancies me. So I'm like !!!!!!!!!!!!, of course. Suddenly his friend joined us and let me tell you, he was like the most handsome guy I've ever met in real life. They invited us for a drink and in the course of the evening the first guy started hitting on my friend, and me and the handsome one were standing there awkwardly and pretended not to see them snogging. When I couldn't bear it anymore I asked him if he'd like to go outside for a second and we were standing there in the summer night and he was paying me all those sweet compliments and suddenly - I swear to God, I don't know how this happened!!!- we started kissing as well. It was weird but also nice and exciting. Well, it COULD be, anyways, if he wouldn't have started to make all those weird and slightly disgusting hints to sex, us spending the night together, the seize of his dick and my sexual adventures so far. I'm not joking. To be fair, I was too giggly to actually get angry and I simply told him that I wouldn't come back to his place. He was disappointed, but we said good night very nicely and after some more kissing I went home and he texted me and again was really nice.
The next day we were meeting again, and to be honest, it was slightly awkward seeing each other in the daylight for the first time (although my eyes had not deceived me the night before, he was still GORGEOUS!). We were chatting along and he started with his hints again but I pretty soon blocked them and he finally understood that it wasn't going to happen. Well, long story short, he left pretty soon because he was meeting a friend anyways and although we kissed again and he told me to ring him up when I'm in England, he made it ptretty clear that he wasn't interested anymore.

So, yeah, that was my last amorous (or not amorous) adventure. Although I was glad to have handled the situation quite well and being able to keep him in check, and although I know that I shoudln't give a f*** about a guy like him, I'm still disappointed. I felt sad and used, because he took advantage of me as long as he thought he could seduce me, but he dropped me as soon as he realised that I wasn't playing along.

Why do I feel disappointed because of such a dickhead???? Ugh.

Birthday post!

It's my birthday today!!!! My flatmate is downstairs preparing a birthday breakfast and I'm not allowed to help, so I'm quickly making a list of to-dos for the next year:

- make the best of my time abroad
- get to know as many new people as possible
- drink less cóffee
- stop spending a million each week on coffee, lemonade, croissants and other unecessary stuff at the cafeteria
- graduate with an A
- call and write more often to people at home, refresh contacts
- BE HAPPY :)
- get a boyfriend
- gain self-confidence and feeling of self-worth
- do more sports
- practise piano more often


Oh, I'm called downstairs.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day!!!!

xxx

diary entry

I just realized that this blog initially was set up to function as my diary, but so far I managed three actual entries and about a million photos showing cute actors and/or animals and various tea pots. I have to change this.
So, to begin with, I am currently at a very crucial point of my life. I am about to start my Master's programme, I will go to a different uni and move house and I think a lot about my relationships (to people in general, not that I have aboyfriend or anything. Dream on...). I spend a lot of time being on my own recently and though I have gained confidence and social skills (this makes me sound like a sociopath which I am NOT, I assure you), I still feel lonely far too often and I get immensely jealous at my friends who seem to be much more lucky than me. Why is this? I love them to bits, but for some reason I can't grant them their success. I am an awful person, I know, but I can't deny these feelings anymore. I have to force myself not to panic everytime I think about my failures and hear about all the beautiful things that happen to others.

Maybe I'm just so used to feeling slightly miserable and left out, that I can't even appreaciate the good things that happen to me. Maybe I should try and appreciate the person I am, instead of the person I could be/want to be.

Yes. Good plan. Will do.



To-do-list for July:

- go for a walk/spend a lot of time outside
- play the piano
- read instead of watching YouTube videos
- call my parents regularly
- ask out the boy I fancy since last year

hilarious Harry Potter statistics

I am very bored and lonely. How come, just because my best friend is not at home this weekend, I feel as if abandoned by the whole world? Need more friends. Need a boyfriend. Need more self-esteem to go out and hook up with someone. Umpf.